You working 90 hours a week has RUINED our relationship. You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? I think that's probably true, for a little while. Beyond that, though....I've just stopped caring. I don't care if I see you. I don't care if we have sex. I don't care if you come home. I don't feel married. I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship. I loved you. I love you? I don't even know anymore. How can you love someone that you have no connection with any longer? That you don't even know? I don't know if we can ever recover from this. I absolutely do not want to bring a child in this, and I have always wanted kids more than anything. I'd be a single mom.
I don't know what to do. I need to tell you this. You should know how I'm feeling. But I know how these conversations go....we just fight.
I want you to care. I want to see you. I want you to make as much time for me as you do for work. For golf. For your friends. I want this to work. I always loved you....I want to love you again.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, June 01, 2009
I found the birthday present you gave me. I can't believe you got it for me....it's amazing. It's perfect. I can't wait to wear it every single day. I hope you love what I'm planning for you just as much! I need to go practice my surprised face. :-)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Think I need to leave my husband and my lover
I'm 28 and think I have reached a point where I have to just stop and start all over again. I have made such a mess of my life.
Been married for 7 years and I realise I really do not want to be married to this guy anymore. I am miserable. He is miserable. Why can't we just end it? What do we do with the house and mortgage? The stuff in the house? Our families? I am closer to his family than my own.
We are members of the mormon church (LDS) and it takes up all our time and money and energy so there is nothing left for us at the end. Honestly, we are out (not together) several nights a week plus sundays for church stuff and it is too much. He donates hundreds of pounds a month in tithing to the church yet we are in debt and struggling to pay things on time. If I try and talk about it with him, it turns into an argument.
I live a double life, I have the occasional coffee or glass of wine and if he found out, there would be big trouble as this is 'illigal' in the church. He wouldn't be able to accept me if he knew this. He is already devastated that I don't pay tithing (10% of your gross income to the church) or wear garments (sacred mormon underwear) and is worried other people will find out at church. He really cares more about what other people will think than what I feel.
I realise that I am just as much to blame. When we got married, I did do all the above things and I went to church willingly. Then I researched the church and found it based on lies and make-believe so I have changed, I am not the same person I as 7 years ago. But is it wrong for me to want someone to love me for ME not me if I am a good mormon girl? I am really struggling and have felt like this for 5 or 6 years, only told him last year though.
To complicate matters more, I have been seeing another man for the last 3 years. He was my boss at the time it started and is 7 years older than me, also married and has kids. He has told me that he loves me, and I love him too but he has also said he will never leave his wife and kids, that is not an option so I know what we have is not permanent and will never be anything more and I am fine with that. I know his relationship with his wife is not good and wasn't long before I becmae involved with him I know I am trying to justify what I am doing, and failing!). To be honest, I think I want to leave my husband, get a place of my own to rent and live ALONE. Have this guy I am seeing come around occasionally and enjoy that and then enjoy being ALONE, in MY OWN SPACE, being MY OWN SELF. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being totally selfish? I just feel so confused. Maybe I need to leave them both arrrgh, I am so crap at this.!!!!!!
Been married for 7 years and I realise I really do not want to be married to this guy anymore. I am miserable. He is miserable. Why can't we just end it? What do we do with the house and mortgage? The stuff in the house? Our families? I am closer to his family than my own.
We are members of the mormon church (LDS) and it takes up all our time and money and energy so there is nothing left for us at the end. Honestly, we are out (not together) several nights a week plus sundays for church stuff and it is too much. He donates hundreds of pounds a month in tithing to the church yet we are in debt and struggling to pay things on time. If I try and talk about it with him, it turns into an argument.
I live a double life, I have the occasional coffee or glass of wine and if he found out, there would be big trouble as this is 'illigal' in the church. He wouldn't be able to accept me if he knew this. He is already devastated that I don't pay tithing (10% of your gross income to the church) or wear garments (sacred mormon underwear) and is worried other people will find out at church. He really cares more about what other people will think than what I feel.
I realise that I am just as much to blame. When we got married, I did do all the above things and I went to church willingly. Then I researched the church and found it based on lies and make-believe so I have changed, I am not the same person I as 7 years ago. But is it wrong for me to want someone to love me for ME not me if I am a good mormon girl? I am really struggling and have felt like this for 5 or 6 years, only told him last year though.
To complicate matters more, I have been seeing another man for the last 3 years. He was my boss at the time it started and is 7 years older than me, also married and has kids. He has told me that he loves me, and I love him too but he has also said he will never leave his wife and kids, that is not an option so I know what we have is not permanent and will never be anything more and I am fine with that. I know his relationship with his wife is not good and wasn't long before I becmae involved with him I know I am trying to justify what I am doing, and failing!). To be honest, I think I want to leave my husband, get a place of my own to rent and live ALONE. Have this guy I am seeing come around occasionally and enjoy that and then enjoy being ALONE, in MY OWN SPACE, being MY OWN SELF. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being totally selfish? I just feel so confused. Maybe I need to leave them both arrrgh, I am so crap at this.!!!!!!
Monday, May 11, 2009
blah blah life.
I'm writting this from my iPod , so it will be short.
I feel ......empty , school will start tomorrow for me, well actually today , since it is midnight.
I even haven't got a clue of why I'm writting this.
But I am, and I want to say that I feel empty, thus last days I've been like a hermit, one with iPods, laptops and tv's,
I spent this day online, mostly neglecting my duties, just reading and stuff, and I saw. All the avatar episodes >.> why ??
A friend told me to buy the DVD's for her, well she didn't but I was curious she is or was at least 3 days ago obsessed with it.
so I finished watching all, read some anime fanfics and avatar ones, and went to "sleep" well of. Course not since I'm writting this, in the begining of this post I said I felt empty wich I do not anymore, but I know that as soon as I stop writting I will feel empty again. Why??
I still dont know . MAybe cause I'll see someone tomorrow I dont want to see, maybe cause I won't be able to be in my fantasy world anymore tomorrow, cause seriously I dont like real life , I being the coward that I am, I hide from it with books and fantasy worlds.
All happy or at least semi-happy (the ones I see) and I realize my life will never be like that, seriously it's fiction, and if one seems like my life, all I'm missing are powers or excitment in my life.
That is all, I feel better I hope I can deal with life better now ( yea right)
oh and I suck in shogi > . >
I feel ......empty , school will start tomorrow for me, well actually today , since it is midnight.
I even haven't got a clue of why I'm writting this.
But I am, and I want to say that I feel empty, thus last days I've been like a hermit, one with iPods, laptops and tv's,
I spent this day online, mostly neglecting my duties, just reading and stuff, and I saw. All the avatar episodes >.> why ??
A friend told me to buy the DVD's for her, well she didn't but I was curious she is or was at least 3 days ago obsessed with it.
so I finished watching all, read some anime fanfics and avatar ones, and went to "sleep" well of. Course not since I'm writting this, in the begining of this post I said I felt empty wich I do not anymore, but I know that as soon as I stop writting I will feel empty again. Why??
I still dont know . MAybe cause I'll see someone tomorrow I dont want to see, maybe cause I won't be able to be in my fantasy world anymore tomorrow, cause seriously I dont like real life , I being the coward that I am, I hide from it with books and fantasy worlds.
All happy or at least semi-happy (the ones I see) and I realize my life will never be like that, seriously it's fiction, and if one seems like my life, all I'm missing are powers or excitment in my life.
That is all, I feel better I hope I can deal with life better now ( yea right)
oh and I suck in shogi > . >
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Married with two kids and completely confused
I am trying to get some perspective on things. I have two kids that I adore. One has some social issues - don't know exactly what yet (meeting with a doc soon). The other is healthy and normal (fingers crossed). Both are under 8 years of age. Been married for 10 years and same job for same amount of time. Challenging job (academia) but LOVE it. Here is the tough part - the passion in the marriage is GONE. Honestly, it has been for a LONG time. DH is loyal and hard working as I also try to be. He is goofy and creative and I am the serious intellect. Probably too deep a person for my own good. Regardless, things are just not fun and I just don't feel connected with my DH. Anyone been through the same and come through happily? How?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
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